September 6, 1999

JOHN L.’S SUMMER OF 1999 MOVIE REVIEW: HMMM…

''Sixth Sense'' wins box office race for 5th weekend

By Dean Goodman

LOS ANGELES(Reuters) - ``The Sixth Sense'' celebrated the Labor Day holiday by notching its fifth consecutive weekend at No.

1 and earning more than the next three films combined, according to studio estimates issued Monday.

With an estimated four-day haul of $28.5 million from theaters in the United States and Canada, the supernatural thriller joins

``Titanic'' as the only film in history to score five $20 million weekends. The three-day sum for ``Sixth Sense,'' excluding Labor

Day Monday, was $23.1 million, a 15 percent increase from the prior Friday-to-Sunday period.

``The Sixth Sense'' also set a new Labor Day holiday record, breaking the four-day benchmark of $17.2 million set by ``The

Fugitive'' in 1993, said a spokeswoman for Walt Disney Co., which released ``Sixth Sense'' through its Hollywood Pictures banner.

After 32 days in release, ``The Sixth Sense'' has pulled in $175.5 million, and industry observers say it is on track to finish its

domestic run with about $250 million, making it the No. 2 movie of the year. The top grosser of 1999 is ``Star Wars: Episode I --

The Phantom Menace'' with more than $420 million.

Two films opened in wide release Wednesday, not that moviegoers seemed to care. ``Chill Factor'' (Warner Bros.), a buddy film

starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Skeet Ulrich and a fragile canister of chemical weapons, bowed at No. 6 with $5.7 million for the

Friday-to-Monday period. ``Outside Providence'' (Miramax), a 1970s coming-of-age comedy headlined by Alec Baldwin, opened

at No. 11 with $3.2 million. Their totals since Wednesday stand at $6.6 million and $3.8 million respectively.

According to Exhibitor Relations, which collects the studios' data, the top 12 films grossed a combined $86.5 million, up 37 percent

from the year-ago period when the bawdy comedy ``There's Something About Mary'' was the top holiday attraction with $10.9

million.

Elsewhere this weekend, the romantic comedy ``Runaway Bride'' (Paramount) rose one place to No. 2 with $8.6 million, trading

places with Viking drama ``The 13th Warrior'' (Touchstone), which reported $8.4 million. The 39-day total for ``Bride'' is $135.5

million; ``Warrior'' has $22.3 million after 11 days. Other studios had ``Warrior'' leading ``Bride.'' Final data will be issued Tuesday.

``Bowfinger'' (Universal) held steady at No. 4 with $7 million, bringing its 25-day haul to $55.5 million. ``The Thomas Crown

Affair'' (MGM) rose one place to No. 5 with $6.1 million (32-day total $57.7 million), while ``Mickey Blue Eyes'' (WB) fell two

places to No. 7 with $5.2 million (18-day total $27 million). ``The Blair Witch Project'' (Artisan) remained at No. 8 with $3.8

million (55-day total $133.5 million).

Two films jostled for the No. 9 slot in their second weekends: actor/director Albert Brooks' showbiz satire ``The Muse'' (October)

and the alien baby saga ``The Astronaut's Wife'' (New Line) each reported about $3.5 million. Their totals stand at $8.5 million

and $8.9 million respectively.

Disney also owns Miramax Films and Touchstone Pictures. Paramount Pictures is a unit of Viacom Inc. (NYSE:VIA - news)

Universal Pictures is a unit of Seagram Co. Ltd. MGM's full name is Metro-Goldwyn- Mayer Inc. Warner Bros. and New Line

Cinema are units of Time Warner Inc. (NYSE:TWX - news) Artisan Entertainment is privately held. October Films is a unit of

USA Networks Inc. (Nasdaq:USAI - news)

The top 10 movies at the box office

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Following are the top 10 movies at the North American box office for the Labor Day holiday

weekend of Sept. 3-6, according to studio estimates collected Monday by Reuters. Final data will be released Tuesday.

1 (1) The Sixth Sense .................. $28.5 million

2 (3) Runaway Bride .................... $8.6 million

3 (2) The 13th Warrior ................. $8.4 million

4 (4) Bowfinger ........................ $7.0 million

5 (6) The Thomas Crown Affair .......... $6.1 million

6 (+) Chill Factor ..................... $5.7 million

7 (5) Mickey Blue Eyes ................. $5.2 million

8 (8) The Blair Witch Project .......... $3.8 million

9-(10)The Muse ......................... $3.5 million

9-(9) The Astronaut's Wife ............. $3.5 million

NOTE: Last weekend's position in parenthesis. + - new release.

``Outside Providence'' opened at No. 11 with a four-day sum of $3.2 million.

``The Sixth Sense'' is released by Hollywood Pictures and ''The 13th Warrior'' by Touchstone Pictures, both units of Walt Disney

Co. Miramax Films, also owned by Disney, released ''Outside Providence''.

``Runaway Bride'' is released in North America by Paramount Pictures, a unit of Viacom Inc. (NYSE:VIA - news)

``Bowfinger'' is released by Universal Pictures, a unit of Seagram Co. Ltd.

``The Thomas Crown Affair'' is released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc. (NYSE:MGM - news)

``Chill Factor'' and ``Mickey Blue Eyes'' are released by Warner Bros., a unit of Time Warner Inc. (NYSE:TWX - news) New

Line Cinema, also owned by Time Warner, released ``The Astronaut's Wife''.

``The Blair Witch Project'' is released by Artisan Entertainment, which is privately held.

``The Muse'' is released by October Films, a unit of USA Networks Inc. (Nasdaq:USAI - news)

JOHN L: Summer won’t be over for another 3 weeks, but as for the fiscal movie Summer, it is officially over and we have several winners, and several losers. This is going to be a big report with lots to cover. I shall go over the Labor Day weekend box office and its ramifications. I will also have a bonus review of a little movie called "The Last Broadcast" which inspired that Summer scorcher, The Blair Witch Project. If we are lucky, her witchiness may make a cameo appearance. I will go over the top 10 grossing movies of the Summer, and the top 5 bombs. Why five? Why dwell on so much negativity. I will also pick my 5 favorite movies and 5 least favorite flicks of the season. Plus there will be the obvious made up awards for specific cinematic achievements, such as best nude scene, best violent act, worst line, best line, biggest ass, that sort of thing. Also, I will preview 10 movies coming out in the next 2 and a half months and say which ones I might see or might get the attention of the public. The Fall movie season is the Friday after Labor Day to the weekend before Thanksgiving which begins the 5 week Holiday Movie Season. The time from the first weekend after New Years through the last weekend in April is known as the time to go out and get some sun, because it is notorious for a deluge of crap movies. If you are lucky you might get 3 good movies in that time frame. This past Winter/Spring had a hit in the Matrix, but other than that, flicks like Payback, Go, 200 Cigarettes, and Varsity Blues just don’t cut it. There was one little movie that came out just as Matrix was hitting its stride and was completely ignored by the public, and that was Idle Hands. I just happened to check this flick out, and a review of it will also be included in this report. So, that should be enough to keep you dudes and dudeettes happy, so lets get started with this weekend’s take.

Many box office records were broken this Summer in various forms. Phantom Menace had the largest opening day and weekend gross, Austin Powers 2 was the first sequel to outgross the original movie in the first 3 days of release, and Blair Witch cost $30,000 and has earned $133 million making it the most profitable movie of all time. These are amazing feats, that should be well noted and respected, but they were not totally unexpected. Everyone knew Phantom was going to gross over $400 million no matter how bad it stunk or Jar Jar stuttered. People who have never even seen the original Austin Powers could quote its catch phrases, and have been for 2 years. A $55 million opening weekend was on the high end of probable. Blair Witch had been hyped by the net rags for months and was getting all of this publicity about how innovative and scary it is. It could have grossed $50 million and still been considered one of the biggest hits of all time. It showed that the internet is a powerful force and can help promote a movie if done correctly. Its success, though somewhat surprising due to its weakness in quality, was also expected. People like new types of scares, they like intriguing hype, and they like fiction in the form of reality. Blair wanted to be the sleeper hit, American Pie wanted to be the sleeper hit, The Muse wanted to be the sleeper hit, and Wild Wild West just put people to sleep. As I have said before in other reports, there was only one true sleeper hit of the year, and that is The Sixth Sense. In my time, there have only been 2 other movies to increase in box office at this level 5 weeks into its run. Titanic and There’s Something About Mary. Titanic made about $30 million in its 3rd or 4th week, and in TSAM’s eighth week, it reached number one for the first time in a box office weekend. This is the NBC Thursday Night Lineup film of the Summer, a must see mo-vee. Everyone wants to talk about it, but because of its "special" moment, people are making others go see it just so they can debate what happened. This is the first time sense maybe The Crying Game that a movie secret has intrigued the public so much. But unlike the Crying Game, you don’t need to see a guy’s dick to get the point. Also, be fortunate that McCauley Culkin did not make this movie 10 years ago. "I see dead people. Auuuuuuuuuugggggggggg!!!!" With $175 million and counting, I look for this flick to get near the $300 million mark. Here is why the movie was a hit beyond just its ending.

  1. It has a child actor that can act. HJO is the lead candidate for a best actor or supporting actor nomination. If he gets the supporting nod, it would be a crime since he carried the film. Willis was more of a supporting character than the boy.
  2. The movie is not that scary. That would be a strange plus, but it is. It has just the right amount of frights to keep you on the edge, but there is nothing over the top to the point of "oh my, I can’t sit through that again, its to awful." In fact the scariest moment in the whole film is when that crazy ex-patient’s shadow goes across Willis and his wife. The biggest gross out is when the girl is throwing up. The only ultra scary movie that has been a huge success was the Exorcist. Most of the time, if a movie has too many gory scenes, it actually hurts box office. 6S’s focus on more of the drama of the situation gives it more staying power, and when the ending comes, its not a cop-out and not seen as a reason to never see the movie again.
  3. It’s a laid back Bruce Willis movie. Willis has not had that much luck at the box office, but if he is not playing John McClane, people don’t seem to like him. Armageddon made $200 million but not many people liked it. Pulp Fiction was his last critical and box office success, and he only played a relatively small part. In this movie, Willis has to act and play it straight and leave most of his trademark "Dave and Maddie" smirk on the cutting room floor. Willis is a likable actor, and he actually had a very difficult role to play here. Also, unlike his other films, you can’t say that T6S is a Bruce Willis film and that gives you the plot because it is unlike anything he has ever done. This movie is good news for him since his Planet Hollywood investment is sinking faster than his marriage with Demi
  4. The other reason it is doing so well is that the 3 other horror movies of July were not up to public satisfaction. The Haunting sucked, Deep Blue Sea was cool to me, but obviously had several flaws like acting and story that kept people away, and Blair had a gimmick, but shoddy camera work and an abrupt ending that kept repeat viewings at a minimum. The Dead People movie was the better quality flick, and the public knew it.

I am not the biggest fan of The Sixth Sense. It was too slow to start, and it took too long to learn what the hell was going on. I dug the premise, as fantastic as it was, and the opening sequence was very good. I unfortunately knew about the ending before seeing it, because I suck, but it also keeps me from falling into that I have to see it again trap. Through the whole movie, I knew what scenes to look for and see how they played out. I would not have seen the ending coming based on the scene when the kid comes home, since that would have convinced me that what I thought was going on was not. The dramamine in the cupboard gave it away to me somewhat, but I will never know. I will just say that it got me too.

Cuba the Fairly Decent and Skeet Shoot Ulrich tried to rekindle the magic of Sydney Poitier and Tony Curtis with this week’s number 6 movie, Chill Factor. No one cared. Guys who hate each other, but have to learn to work together to survive movies always bomb. Just ask Laurence Fishburne and Stephen Baldwin, Danny Glover and Joe Pesci, Will Smith and Kevin Kline. Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder perfected that type of movie in Silver Streak and Stir Crazy. The magic is now gone. West Indies Gooding can act okay, but needs to do a straight drama that is not so hoodish. Skeet Ulrich needs to do a movie where he plays Johnny Depp’s brother and get it over with. By the way, he was one of the killers in Scream 1 just to let you know. Scream 1 sucks, and I hope I ruined the ending for you. This is an example of the type of movie they say Hollywood always dumps at the end of the Summer because it sucks.

Outside Providence did not even place in the top 10 the week of its opening. Not good for a Farrelly production. It looks like it will be making Kingpin money. It also did not help that when the brothers were asked about the movie that they kept saying that if people are going in expecting another "Mary" movie, then they will be disappointed. Not a good selling point. Also, Alec Baldwin is another ingredient in box office poison. He sucks the life out of everything he does including the possibility of making money. Ever since he turned down Patriot Games, his career has been dungy. He has not had one box office success since then. His brothers have not been too successful either. I do not understand how any of them is still working. More people saw the Baldwin gag in the South Park movie than have seen all of the Baldwin Brothers last movies combined. Here’s a tip, stick with the masturbating jokes and not the Pawtucket accent ones.

The rest of the top 10 is pretty much the same as last week. The most notable thing to me is the sustaining power of Bowfinger and The Thomas Crown Affair. These movies will not recoup their cost to make, but they are still in the top 5 after a month of release. Bowfinger was the choice to be making the money T6S is making, and TCA was supposed to make the Blair money. It is so hard to predict what the public will go see. I am glad Bowfinger is doing okay, because Murphy, Martin, and Graham’s breasts are my 4 of my favorite things in movies. They need our support. (I will support them when it is released on DVD). TCA is a remake of a 30 year old movie that very few remember even though Austin 2 parodied it with the chess game sequence. I like Brosnan, and Russo has never pissed me off, so I am glad it too is surviving this dog eat grass Summer. I expect them both to stay in the top 10 for the rest of September.

SPECIAL MOVIE REVIEWS: THE LAST BROADCAST and IDLE HANDS

IDLE HANDS REVIEW: Back in April of 1999, a little movie called Idle Hands was released. It did not get a lot of publicity and the most prominent ads were found in comic books for kids too young to actually go see the movie. I just saw the movie on DVD this past weekend, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised at how good it was. It is the story of a teenage boy who is so lazy that his hand becomes possessed by the Devil for lack of use. It takes control of the boy and causes him to kill the people in his neighborhood. Sounds morbid, but in the frame of a teen slasher horror/comedy, it worked. When you make a movie like this there are some things that have to happen. Show the violence, have somewhat interesting characters, young people must have sex and killed violently, a good villain, dark humor, and a hot babe that is sweet and has to face the evil force at the end. IH had all of these things in it. Violence was heavy. There was a decapitation graphically shown using a live actor through the whole shot, a knitting needle through one ear and out the other, and a scalping. The actor, Devon Sawa is excellent as the poor schlub fighting his hand. He has to make his hand a separate personality and he pulls it off. He may have been a mime in another life. Seth Green is good as one of Sawa’s "wise" dead friends. He is always goofing on the whole situation along with his other buddy played by Elden Ratliff. I don’t like comedy in horror type movies, but their little barbs are funny and work in the context of the film. Of note, the commentary on the DVD is excellent between Green, Ratliff, and the director. Green is constantly goofing on the "success" of the movie, and the director never wants to acknowledge him. The hand turns out to be a cool villain played in the second half of the movie by the same guy who did Thing in the Addams Family movies. Silent bad guys are always the hippest. There is even the rare for the 90s horror movie nude scene in which someone is killed. The girl was even attractive. Number one rule in a teen slasher film is to never ever have sex. Sex is bad. It’s a little jab at STD’s. The hot babe in the movie is played by Jessica Alba. She was okay, but not a very good actress. Alba is very attractive, however, so I will let it go. She plays the victim the whole time and does not really have anything to do with trying to stop the hand’s rampage. Vivica Fox shows up as a Druid Princess or something that hunts evil possessed hands across the country. She overacts, but she does have a couple good scenes at the end. If you are looking for a good teen slasher movie that is not as dumb as Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer, but more like Urban Legend then this is the movie for you. When IH came out in April, it was the same week as the Dylan and Klebold show in Colorado. I have said it before, and I will say it again, EFF THEM! I will not let them screw up my entertainmen. See Idle Hands, and show that the Columbine motive was teen angst and not Hollywood antics.

The Last Broadcast is another story. It has been compared to The Blair Witch Project, and in many ways it is similar. A crew of people go in the woods to search for a mythical being and end up dead. However, TLB strays off the path quite a bit. TBW didn’t offer any answers. Broadcast tries to tell you what happened to the doomed filmmakers chasing the Jersey Devil.

I INTERRUPT THIS BOX OFFICE REPORT WITH MY OWN ACCOUNT OF THE SEARCH FOR THE JERSEY DEVIL. THIS INTTELECTUAL DELIQUENT CAN NOW LEAVE.

Uh oh. Here we go again. Is this the Blair Witch again. Don’t make me hurt you again.

I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS LAIR ITCH. I AM KNOWN AS THE FILMMAKER

For those who have not seen The Last Broadcast, you might want to..ack..

NOW THAT HE IS GONE. LET ME PROPERLY INTRODUCE MYSELF. MY REAL NAME IS UNIMPORTANT. YOU MAY CALL ME THE FILMMAKER. YOU MAY ALSO KNOW THAT I AM YOUR MENTAL LEADER, SUPREME MIND, CEREBRAL CONDUIT. I AM THE PERFECT HUMAN, AND THE INFERIOR WILL BOW BEFORE ME OR PERISH.

I HAVE MADE A FILM ABOUT MY MOST CELEBRATED EXPLOITS. THE INVESTIGATION OF THE JERSEY DEVIL MURDERS. THAT MENTAL MIDGET, JIM SUERD WAS TRIED AND CONVICTED OF KILLING 2 PEOPLE IN THE WOODS EVEN THOUGH 3 PEOPLE WERE REALLY KILLED. THAT’S JUST ONE EXAMPLE OF THE STUPIDITY OF THE PROSECUTION.

JIM WAS FOUND GUILTY BECAUSE THE BLOOD OF THE VICTIMS WERE ON HIS CLOTHES, AND THERE WAS VIDEO TAPE OF HIM LOSING HIS MIND ON THEIR EXCURSION INTO THE WOODS. MR. SUERD CALLED HIMSELF A PSYCHIC OF SORTS. TOO BAD HE DID NOT SEE HIS OWN FATE.

IT CAME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THERE WAS A SECRET VIDEO TAPE NOT INTRODUCED IN COURT THAT COULD HAVE FREED THE POOR SAP. UNFORTUNATELY, BY THE TIME I WAS ABLE TO DECIPHER THIS FOOTAGE, JIMMY BOY WAS FOUND DEAD IN HIS CELL FROM AN APPARENT THROAT BLOCKAGE OR SOMETHING. HE SUFFOCATED TO DEATH.

I GAVE THE DAMAGED TAPE TO A WOMAN WHO IS AN EXPERT AT REPAIRING SUCH THINGS. WHAT SHE FOUND WAS… DISTURBING. IT SEEMS TO SHOW MY FACE ON THE TAPE IN THE PROCESS OF KILLING THE HOSTS OF FACT OR FICTION. OBVIOUSLY THAT DID NOT SIT WELL WITH ME. SHE OBVIOUSLY DOCTORED THE FOOTAGE.

I MEAN, WOULD IT MAKE SENSE THAT I WOULD DO A MOVIE ABOUT A MURDER INVESTIGATION AND IN REALITY TURN OUT TO BE THE KILLER ALL ALONG JUST TO SHOW THAT DUE TO MY SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE I CAN PULL OFF THE PERFECT CRIME. PLANT A SINGLE IRC CHAT SUGGESTION ABOUT LOOKING FOR A JERSEY DEVIL. I WOULD SEND IN AN OLD ACQAINTANCE OF MINE, JIM SUERD TO ASSIST THE HOSTS OF FACT OR FICTION, STEVEN AND LOCUS, ALONG WITH THEIR SOUND MAN IN GOING INTO THE WOODS. I WOULD BUTCHER STEVE IN THE WOODS AND BURY HIM IN A PRE-DUG GRAVE AND WAIT FOR THE OTHER TWO TO COME ACROSS THE BLOOD STAINS SO I COULD EASILY JUMP THE HORRIFIED FOOLS BEFORE THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING. WOULD I REALLY TAKE THE TIME TO CHASE LOCUS HALF A MILE INTO THE WOODS BEFORE HE EVENTUALLY TRIPPED ON HIS OWN FEET (OR WERE THEY STEVE’S FEET) AND THEN GUTTED FROM STEM TO STERN? WOULD I THEN DROP LITTLE BITS OF BLOOD ON STEVE’S CLOTHES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WAS THERE DURING THE KILLING. WOULD I JUST STAND BY AND WATCH AN INNOCENT MAN BE CONVICTED OF DOUBLE HOMICIDE AND DO NOTHING? (I MADE THE LAST BROADCAST MOVIE FOR GOODNESS SAKE). WOULD I GO TO VISIT MY GOOD FRIEND JIM SUERD AND ACTUALLY CONVINCE HIM TO TAKE A SPECIAL PILL THAT WOULD SUFFOCATE HIM AND BE UNTRACEABLE IN AN AUTOPSY UNLESS YOU WERE LOOKING FOR IT SPECIFICALLY? IS MY POWER OF HYPNOSIS AND SUGGESTION THAT STRONG TO INFLUENCE SOMEWHAT TO THAT? IF I WAS THE KILLER, WOULD I LET SOMEONE ACTUALLY REPAIR DAMAGED VIDEOTAPE SHOWING MY FACE IN A BLOODY RAGE? AND WOULD I REALLY KILL THAT SAME WOMAN JUST AS SHE REALIZES THAT THE KILLER HAS BEEN AROUND HER ALL ALONG? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, AN IDIOT, A DOPE SMOKER, A MENTAL CASE? I AM NEITHER. I AM THE SUPER-MAN. EINSTEIN AND HAWKING ARE AMOEBAS COMPARED TO ME. WATCH MY VIDEO, THE LAST BROADCAST. YOU WILL SEE HOW I AM THE NEXT STEP IN THE EVOLUTION OF MAN’S INTELLECT. I AM IN A GOOD MOOD, SO I WILL RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED WHAT IS IT CALLED, BOX OFFICE REPORT. HMP. ONLY MOVIES MADE BY THE FILMMAKER SHOULD BE SEEN. SIXTH SENSE? THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE MADE SIX CENTS. GOOD DAY. I AM OFF TO MY HOMETOWN IN MARYLAND. I HAVE NOT BEEN THERE SINCE 1994. OKAY, JOHN L., YOU MAY WAKE UP NOW.

I hate when that happens. Let’s skip my review of the Last Broadcast. I am sure The Filmmaker summarized it sufficiently for you.

SUMMER OF 1999 REVIEW IN MOVIES

If you have read my previous box office reports this past Summer, you know how I feel about most of the movies that came out this summer. I won’t repeat a lot of what I have said before, so I will give out the various awards to the deserving films and then list the highest grossing, best, and worst movies of the Summer.

Best Movie: AMERICAN PIE. This was my favorite of the Summer and the year so far. I went in not expecting much, and the hype was not getting me excited. I enjoyed every part of the movie and almost every character.

Worst Movie: THE HAUNTING. Not scary, weak story, worse acting. Worst of the Summer, and if it was not for Varsity Blues and Virus, it would be the worst of the year. I lost 2 hours of my life on that one and not even Catherine Zeta-Jones fine ass could save it.

Best line in a movie: "ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP I STUCK MY FLUTE UP MY PUSSY." – AMERICAN PIE That may not be the exact quote, but it is pretty close.

Worst line in a movie: ‘OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?" – THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT What the hell was she screaming at. Heather Donohue sucks.

Breakout Star: VERNE TROYER – Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. He had less than 2 lines in the film, and he stole the whole thing. Next up is a Who in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. Look out Whoville.

Hottest Babe: HEATHER GRAHAM – AP:TSWSM I was not a fan of HG until the second week in June when I saw her as Felicity Shagwell. Love at 3rd site. I talked about her anytime I could. Time to screen capture Boogie Nights.

Most overrated babe: SHANNON ELIZABETH – AP Don’t get me wrong. She is hot, but a little fake looking. Her scene in American Pie is a classic, but they started to give her a push in mid summer she did not deserve. A couple more films before that happens honey. Heather Graham was not built in a day.

Hottest hunk: JASON BIGGS – This is just to be fair to the ladies. He was the only guy who was not afraid of his sexuality. He went all out in AP for his internet boys.

Ugliest dude: GENERAL MCGRATH – Wild Wild West – He had that old fashioned hearing aid and it dripped tobaccy juice or something. Not attractive at all.

Ugliest babe: DEAD CHICK BACKSTAGE – Sixth Sense That chick with the messed up face back stage with the boy before he went on as King Arthur was foul. Yuck.

Most popular actress: JULIA ROBERTS – Her 2 movies, Notting Hill and Runaway Bride were huge. She is one of the most bankable stars in Hollywood, male or female. Eric should be on a suicide watch.

Most popular actor: ADAM SANDLER His Big Daddy Movie was a mosnter hit. I thought it would be less successful than his recent efforts, but it turned out to be his most popular. Cute kids can mean high box office. His name, like Roberts can not only open a film in the $30 million range, but sustain it for a consdierable amount of time. Hopefully he won’t get the urge to direct.

Least popular actor: Alec Baldwin. Nothing works for him.

Least popular actress: Denise Richards – Every body loves to say how sexy DR is but her last 3 movies have been financial flops. Starship Troopers fell way short of expectations. Wild Things made about $30 million and it did not cost a lot, but it was a major release that should have earned more. It also looked like a body double in some shots. Drop Dead Gorgeous went nowhere fast. Some say Columbine affected it as well since it had some dark kill your opponent vibes. I think it bombed because the movie sucked and Kirstie Alley was doing an awful Fargo accent.

Biggest Box Office Disappointment: SOUTH PARK: BIGGER LONGER, & UNCUT- This movie should have made at least $100 million at the box office. It was assaulted by the media as an R-rated movie that appeals to kids test case. It got surprisingly good reviews from the mainstream critics and was well received by the South Park fans. Unfortunately, non fans did not see it especially when they found out about Saddam and Satan having anal sex. Hopefully it will do better on video and DVD. It made about $51 million and scored a slight profit, but it should have done better. Looks like Cartman and the gang may have run its course. See you in Beavis and Butthead Heaven.

Was it worth it award – STAR WARS EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE – Was it worth standing over six hours in line to get tickets to Phantom Menace the most anticipated movie since Return of the Jedi? Well, yeah, it was because the event atmosphere of the film was fantastic. Very few movies can inspire the enthusiasm this one did. The final product was lacking in many ways, but there was enough in there to recommend it. It was definitely made for the young fans just getting into Star Wars and not the ones who grew up watching it since the 1970s. Hopefully the second movie will have the bad guys start to kick the ass they are destined to kick. Just keep James Van Der Beek and Leonardo DiCrapio away from Darth Vader.

Biggest ass award – HEATHER DONOHUE – The Blair Witch Project – Not only did they forget a cell phone, they forgot the wide angle lense

Best death in a movie: SAMUEL L. JACKSON – Deep Blue Sea – I am giving away a major point in the movie, but so what, if you didn’t want spoilers, you would not be reading this. No death this year got as much a reaction as the shark jumping Jackson mid inspirational speech. People still say that movie does not rule. Boy are they idiots.

Guilty Pleasure – DEEP BLUE SEA- My favorite movie of the year that everybody else hates. Three sharks, on screen chewy chomps, and the great Sam Jackson sequence. Only thing that sucked was that blonde shark wrangler. This movie as well as American Pie are 2 movies I will get on DVD whether there is extra stuff or not.

Best movie preview of a film released this summer – AMERICAN PIE – It had a lot of gags in the preview, but it did not show all of them like these previews tend to do. They always cut away before the money shot.

Worst movie preview of the Summer – THE SIXTH SENSE – The preview brought people into the theater because it was intriguing, however if you look at it after you see the movie, you will see that it shows the entire film, including some of the ending. It got lucky.

Best Actor: HALEY JOEL OSMENT– He was excellent in the biggest surprise hit of the summer. "I see dead people" is the top catchphrase of the summer next to "What does your heart tell you?"

Worst actor: - LIAM NEESON – The Haunting – He looked very lost in the movie and he didn’t even job like all crazy docs should do in horror movies. No Oscar this year Liam.

Best Actress - HEATHER GRAHAM – Austin Powers – I lover her, so eff you if you disagree

Worst Actress – LILY TAYLOR – The Haunting – She started out okay, but as the move drug on, so did her performance. Look for the Rasberry Awards to be all over this movie next year.

Worst hairpiece – BRUCE WILLIS – The Sixth Sense – He should have went bald. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a hairpiece like that

3 Movies I did not give a damn about – TARZAN, BIG DADDY, AND THE GENERAL’S DAUGHTER – I stopped going to see Disney cartoons in the theater when they got pretentious and stupid, Adam Sandler was good on Remote Control, but until he makes Cajun Man: the Movie, I will avoid his films, and John Travolta has not been interesting since Carrie for God’s sake. Stop paying him $20 million a picture. He is not that over with the fans.

What the hell were they thinking? – WILD WILD WEST – This did not go over well with people. It made $111 million but it cost about $150 million. Many factors went into the failure of the movie, Smith playing the same damn character for the 3rd year in a row, Kevin Kline is box office poison, and because of historical reasons, you can never make a decent movie with a black cowboy without racial overtones that make audiences uncomfortable. Try again Will, and try to write an original song for once and stop listening to your Mom’s old disco albums.

AND FINALLY THE SUMMER’S BEST JOHN L. BOX OFFICE REPORT:

THE BLAIR WITCH TAKES OVER THE BOX OFFICE REPORT - To accept her award, here is the Blair Witch.

Thankyouthankyouireallydidnotexpectthisijustwanttothankafewpeoplejoshmikeandheatheryourethebestnoneofthiswouldhavebeenpossiblewithoutyourthreeealsoiwouldliketothankthepeopleofblairforbanishingmeohsomanyyearsagoifnotforthatiwouldnothavegainedthepowerinowpossessiwillcontinuetowreakhavocintheburkitsvillewoodsandhopetohavemyownmoviewithmytruestorycomeoutnextsummerievenhaveadirectorsomeguyformnewjerseydavidleaforsomethingitshouldbefunthanksagainanddontgointhewoodsalonebecauseiwillbewaitingkissykissyohandjohnlyousuck

Okay that is my overview of the Summer of 1999. I may have missed some awards or left out some movies, but so what, this report is long enough already. Make up your own, It’s a free country.

Here are the 10 top grossing films of the Summer of 1999 (The Mummy is being excluded because it came out too early, for those who care it made $155 million)

  1. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace: $419.4 million
  2. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me: $204.2 million
  3. The Sixth Sense: $175.5 million
  4. Tarzan: $166.5 million
  5. Big Daddy: $160.1 million
  6. Runaway Bride: $135.5 million
  7. The Blair Witch Project: $133.5 million
  8. Notting Hill: $114.7 million
  9. Wild Wild West: $111.7 million
  10. The General’s Daughter: $101.4 million

Here are the top 5 bombs of the Summer of 1999 (no true order)

  1. Teaching Mrs. Tingle: $6.4 million
  2. Drop Dead Gorgeous: $10.3 million
  3. Dudley Do-Right: $3.0 million
  4. The Iron Giant: $18.8 million (too bad, looked like it should have done better)
  5. The Muse: $8.5 million (Albert Brooks always has to be on this list)

So many others, too many to list. Honorable mentions go to Wild Wild West, Eyes Wide Shut, and The Astronaut’s Wife.

Here are my choice of the 5 best movies of the Summer of 1999

  1. Ameican Pie
  2. Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me
  3. South Park: Bigger Longer, & Uncut
  4. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
  5. Deep Blue Sea

Here are my choices for the 5 worst movies of the Summer of 1999

  1. The Haunting
  2. Lake Placid
  3. Eyes Wide Shut (not seen, but the preview sucked so here it stays)
  4. Wild Wild West
  5. Mystery Men (not seen, but it looked horrible, so eff it)

Here are the 10 movies to look for this Fall:

  1. Stir of Echoes – Kevin Bacon is hypnotized and relives the filming of Flatliners
  2. Love for the Game – Kevin Costner as an aging baseball pitcher. Remember when he was a rookie?
  3. Stigmata – Patricia Arquette talks funny and has holes in her hands. Should make a $100 mil.
  4. Double Jeopardy – Ashley Judd tries to kill her husband for real and sucks at it.
  5. Fight Club – Our annual Brad Pitt Fall bomb.
  6. Being John Malkovich – best plot of the Fall, only movie I may actually be interested in
  7. Three Kings – George Clooney, Ice Cube, and Marky Mark as Gulf War heroes. $45 million tops
  8. The Bone Collector – Denzel Washington is a quadroplegic helping Angela Jolie Voigt catch a killer
  9. Sleepy Hollow – Johnny Depp tries not to lose his head and get laid by Wendy Addams
  10. Superstar – the SNL Mary Katherine Gallagher flick. Can you say $10 million tops?

That’s it for this box office report. Whew, 10 pages in Word 97 on a 10 Times New Roman font. I am beat, and I think I will be able to get this out before Tuesday. I hope you enjoyed this week’s effort, I enjoyed writing it (when I got the chance, damn Filmmaker). Bye for now.

 

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